How to Fix Communication Problem in Relationship or Marriage


   All relationships have their ups and downs, but if you’re not having good, open discussions about what’s going on in your lives with each other, it can become a major issue. You know the expression “Out of sight, out of mind?” When your partner is standing right there talking to you and you don’t pay attention to what they are saying because you are distracted by TV or a text message from your friend, then there is definitely a problem.

  Communication is one of the key elements in any relationship. Now we all know that if something isn't working in some way or another and we don't talk about it our relationship will suffer. We’ve all been in that situation where we’re sitting around the table with our friends, husband/wife, and kids and one person says something to us in the wrong way. Instead of saying “Hey, let me think about what you just said for a second, and then I can give you my honest opinion,” you simply say, “How dare you speak to me like that; how dare you talk to my wife/husband like that?” Why don't the two of you talk about why he/she is doing it? "I don't know why my husband is cutting his hair so short, if he really loves me he will grow it out. I don't know why my wife is bringing our daughter to see a psychic, at least there's a doctor right around the corner. Why don't we sit down and discuss this?" It seems that it’s too good to be true: when we’re sitting in our relationship and problems arise, not wanting to talk about them is a common sign of marital dissatisfaction. According to an article in Psychology Today, "People seldom resolve conflict by talking it out with their partner; they talk it out with the significant other outside their relationship. The reality is that most damage done in relationships happens over time…In what way have you been hurt? Have you ever been punished for expressing your feelings?" (Schmidt & Hunter 2005).

  Spouses don't have a personal relationship with each other. They each view the other only in terms of what he/she is doing at the time. The more you insist on more communication, the more you are likely to reap rewards. "If you don't get angry and frustrated sometimes, then you will lose your connection to your heart," said Khalil Gibran (1923). When communication is blocked or strained over time, it can affect all aspects of your intimacy, both sexual and romantic.

To keep the communication flowing in any relationship:

1) Don’t hold back on issues you want to talk to your partner about because they might end up being hurtful or overly critical of you.

2) Don’t walk away from a conversation angry about what has been said. Let this be a time for you to discuss the issues involved and the feelings that come with them. It’s not about what your partner is doing or saying; it’s about your ability to express things in a way that allows the other person to see that there is no intent on your part to be mean, hurtful, or thoughtless.

3) Don’t assume you know why your partner is feeling a certain way and then make decisions based on that assumption. When you talk to your partner and don’t listen to what they have to say, you are assuming things. If a man doesn’t like his wife’s new haircut and she decides to cut it again, the assumption that he was the only one who cared about her hair is a major reason for why he may see the relationship as broken.

4) Don’t take over when one or both of you say “I need some time alone”. This can be a way of saying “It’s too hard for me to cope with this situation, so I need some time by myself instead of dealing with it together.” It’s important to listen to what the other person is saying. Don’t assume that your partner is just trying to get out of the conversation. If you do this, you’re likely to feel used, and you may start getting angry about the situation. Not everyone can always be emotionally available for a full-blown discussion about what is going on in life.

5) Listening to someone else doesn't mean that you have to agree with everything they say or make it seem like it was all your fault. In many cases, when people hear a different point of view from their own, they are able to gain new insight into the situation and see things they may not have considered before.

6) Don’t criticize your partner for wanting to keep their issues quiet. When you do this, you are sending a signal that says “I don't trust you, and I think your intentions are bad.” This can lead to your partner feeling angry and misunderstood. Talking about problems in a way that keeps the focus on yourself is called being self-centered. It’s easy to believe that the whole world revolves around our own situations, but this isn’t true. When we treat our partners as if they were there just to cater to us, they often feel disrespected and unappreciated.

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